


An Asexual's Guide To Sex, As Told By Five Hargreeves

by SunshineAndBunnies



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Asexual Character, Asexuality, F/M, Five is an adult, It is now, Porn With Meaning, discovering sexuality, is that a thing?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:29:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23768512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineAndBunnies/pseuds/SunshineAndBunnies
Summary: For some reason, people really like having sex, and Five just can't figure it out.AKA an asexual virgin writes porn because this is a free world.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 10
Kudos: 93





	An Asexual's Guide To Sex, As Told By Five Hargreeves

**Author's Note:**

> So in this they time traveled back, grew up, and Five and Vanya live together. I don't actually have anything against people with complicated names for their sexualities, I'm one of them. But fourteen-year-old freshly-minted asexual me was a little overwhelmed by it all, and I feel like Five would be too.

  1. They enjoy it. A lot. 



When Vanya got home that day, she was met with the smell of a cooking meal. It freaked Five out not to have full-to-overflowing food stores, and they had to rush to cook some things before they went bad. Today, it appeared that bacon, biscuits, eggs, and gravy were on the menu. _Milk must’ve been going bad,_ Thought Vanya, _He hates breakfast for dinner._

She dropped her violin in an armchair, making her way to Five. She would never tell him to his face, but the apron was a turn on. If only she could get him in _just_ the apron. That, she decided, was a thought for later. “Hey, baby. Miss me?”

She wrapped her arms around his middle, resting her chin on his shoulder. She always wondered why this didn’t bother him at all, but he would freeze up during sex from time to time. He turned his head, placing a quick kiss to her lips before resuming his frying pan abuse. Once an assassin, always an assassin, she assumed. “More than you know.”

That was another thing about post-apocalyptic Five. He was a bit more attached than your average boyfriend, try as he might to hide it. If Vanya was being entirely honest with herself, she kinda liked it most of the time. 

Reluctantly, she untangled herself from him, and began to set out plates and forks. Not long after she finished, he announced that Headstart Breakfast was ready (He stubbornly refused to associate dinner with breakfast, claiming his morals were on the line here, and _Vanya, this is no laughing matter,)_ and they sat down to eat. 

“Looks delicious,” Vanya looked at him flirtatiously from beneath her lashes, “And the food too.”

He gave her a puzzled look. She could almost see the equations running around his mind. Finally, he coughed, blushing lightly. “Uh… Thanks. You look edible as well.”

Vanya couldn’t help herself. She snickered. Five looked hurt, and she rushed to reassure him. “No, baby, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just surprisingly inexperienced, but that’s okay.”

Five wasn’t one to accept comfort easily. Blush deepening, he said, “I am not inexperienced. I’ve had tons of sex. _Tons._ My body count looks like a phone number.”

Vanya pointed an accusing fork at him. “I’m going to let you figure out where the objectification resides in that statement, and pointedly ignore the bodylessness of your only other partner to date.” 

He rolled his eyes, dipping his biscuit in the gravy. “We had a bond far exceeding the limitations of human sexuality.”

She returned the eye roll, nearly mimicking seizure victims. “You are an unusual individual, Five Hargreeves.”

“Really? I thought I was delicious.”

“I said you _looked_ delicious. I’ll have to taste to know for sure.”

“...You’re insatiable.”

2\. They like to think you like it, too.

Vanya was on all fours on their bed, legs spread, buck-naked. _Ha, buck-naked,_ Five thought, _It’s not like doe are walking around in blue jeans_. Clearly, he’d survived on a mixture of sharp wit and canned food during the apocalypse.

Five toed off his shoes, working at his belt simultaneously. Vanya did say she liked a man that could multitask. He slid in behind her, feeling up her body with his right hand while his left stroked himself to hardness.

His body responded as is biologically typical, but he didn’t really see the appeal of sex. Vanya was a beautiful woman in all regards. She woke up with a nasty case of bedhead more often than not, and all Five could do was grin sleepily at her. But nothing about her made his, for lack of a more sophisticated euphemism, little soldier stand at attention without a hand. (Literally.)

He ran his hand along the smooth dip of her waist, avoiding any ticklish spots. She really hated that. His hand circled around her breast, appreciating the valley between the two well-endowed hills. His fingers paused their roaming at her nipple, pinching lightly. This elicited a moan from Vanya, tilting her head back. He’d pinched his own nipples before. In private, of course. Hadn’t done much of anything for him. 

He pinched and tugged, alternating as the mood fit him, beginning to launch a foray across the well known flesh of her back with his tongue. _Clean skin,_ He thought, feeling a little relieved. He didn’t know why people liked sweat during sex. Or sex at all, really, but that was its own internal monolouge. 

“Five, I-Please, I need you in me. I need you to fill me up, rub me raw. _Please.”_ She punctuated her sentence with a particularly loud moan. Raw skin didn’t sound like a good time to him, but people said strange things in the throes of pleasure all the time. 

He quickly obliged, rolling a condom onto his now-hard length. “Would you like me to finger you first?” He asked her calmly.

She made a noise of displeasure, turning her head to look at him, and he briefly wondered if he did something wrong. “Why do you never sound flustered during sex?”

He shrugged at her. “Guess I’m not the flusterable type.”

She flopped on her back, mood efficiently killed. “Do you even like having sex with me?”

See, that was the million dollar question he was hoping to avoid. So he did. “Yeah, of course I do. Look, I’m literally harder than Luther’s skull right now.”

Glancing down, she cracked a smile. She beckoned to him, saying, “We can continue this conversation in the morning if you promise never to mention Luther during post-near-coitous again.”

“Deal.” He crawled up next to her, desperately trying to tamp down the dread of their impending conversation and get some sleep.

“Goodnight, Five. I love you, no matter what.”

“Love you too, Vanya.” 

3\. They like to have conversations about it. (The good ones, at least.)

Vanya knew his tactics as well as he did. She was waiting for him that morning, looking for all the world like a parent catching their child sneaking out. 

“Good morning, baby.”

He did the caffeine shuffle all the way to the kitchen, studiously ignoring her, moving his feet to the sluggish beat of his pre-coffee thoughts. Vanya, however, would not be deterred. 

“I wasn’t sure if this was even really a big thing last night, but now I know it is. Five, we really should talk.” 

He held up a hand. “Alright, fine, we will. Give me five minutes to participate in wholesome drug use, and I’ll be all ears.”

Vanya studied his face, eventually consenting to his proposition. She settled herself on a bar stool across from where he stood. She played with the keys she’d left out on the table last night, gathering her thoughts. Eventually, he raised his head, resembling a man threatened on pain of death. 

“Five, is it that bad? Are you cheating on me?” Vanya asked incredulously. She didn’t think that was something he’d do. It just wasn’t Five.

“Wha- No. I’m not cheating on you. I would never. Did you really think I would?” He flashed her a hurt look. 

“Not really, no. I’m just having a difficult time understanding why you wouldn’t want to have sex with me.”

He shook his head. “It’s not you specifically, Vanya, it’s-it’s everyone. I’ve never wanted to have sex with anyone. I think something's missing. You know, up here.” He gestured to his head. 

She took his hand in hers. “No, baby, you’re not broken. Could you be asexual?”

He looked at her like she didn't know how to do basic rocket science. Which, to be fair, she didn’t. “Last time I checked, humans weren’t amebas.” 

Vanya only rolled her eyes. “Look it up, read about it, whatever it is you do with stuff you don’t understand. Then we can talk some more. I have to admit, though, that would make a lot of sense.”

4\. They like to label it. 

What started as a fairly innocuous internet query led Five down a spiraling rabbit hole of penises, vaginas, colorful flags, and identity crises.

He never really bothered to learn the ins and outs of sex. He didn’t seen much of a point beyond satisfying a vague curiosity. He almost regretted going back on that silent half-vow. There was just so much… _Stuff._ Not even the aseuxls, a fairly straightforward sexuality, in his opinion, had just one label. Did anyone actually even identify as a grey-sexual-homo-sexual-pan-romantic? It was all so foreign. 

“I’m definitely asexual, Vanya.”

“Mystery solved.”

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I might write a sequel to this if there's any interest, but I'm currently focused on a different story.


End file.
